Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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