Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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