Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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