Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My ass is underappreciated
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
try to milk me bitch
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