My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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