I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
