even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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