seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
