Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
