my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
