I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
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