I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
