She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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