how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
