Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

mornings like this make me wish i was morman.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game

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(773): View more from Illinois

Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly

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(352): View more from Florida

Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.

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(443): View more from Maryland

This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.

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(540): View more from Virginia

If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads

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