I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
