i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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