I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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