there's paper in my vomit.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
