Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Randomize
