Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
