Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
