Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
