ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
