question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
