the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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