take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
