Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
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