theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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