so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
