I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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