My first STD was from a foam party
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
