There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
