plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
