there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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