Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
