Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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