dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Randomize
