i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Do vagina's smell?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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