I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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