i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
