somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
