Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
