i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
