I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
