checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
