Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
