make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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