i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
