I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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